my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize