i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
