I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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