Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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