i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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