I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
