$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
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