My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
