i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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