a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
