so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
