I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
