I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
