I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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