She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
