i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
