I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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