i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
