Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
