I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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