Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
