My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
