Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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