I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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