I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
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