I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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