I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
