I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
