Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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