My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Mom said you looked used
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
