come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
How external is "for external use only"?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
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