I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
