I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
