Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
