the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
