It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
