Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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