I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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