My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
