i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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