When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
