I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
