Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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