DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Randomize