I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
