Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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