Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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