Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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