I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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