I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
