I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
