i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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