I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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