her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize