Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
