what if every blade of grass was a penis?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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