this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
