we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
